sing when you're wanking
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Sunday, April 29, 2007
The 20th Singapore International Film Festival concluded its run yesterday, and I'm proud to say that I have contributed 20 bucks to their coffer by attending 2 screenings. Not knowing what to expect, Yc (my partner in crime) and I walked into the theatre hoping to be surprised. And surprised we were. The first movie, M, features this lonely Japanese housewife who spreads her leg more often that I spread butter on my toast, whose life got entangled with that of a disturbing twisted young chap who enjoys going around stabbing people. And the ending, while it wasn't as profound and incomprehensible as David Lynch's Mulhollad Dr, it certainly left most in the audience scratching their heads.
On my god! 96.something something! 96.something something! "World Rallies for Darfur Action", as reported by major news agencies over the weekend. However, how many Singaporeans even know where in the world is Darfur, much more about what actually happened there? Read more about what happened in Darfur here. Yeah! The Cheer Chen's concert DVD is coming out afterall. Should I plonk down 100 bucks for the limited edition? Hmmm..  Some food proprietors are raking in more money per month than I do in a year, judging by the taxes they pay. This got my enterprising mind into action. Since the likelihood of starting a chain of porn video stores seem more remote by the day, why not come up with the next killer food idea that will attract queues longer than that you'll see outside that Chongpang lottery outlet during the annual angpao lottery. Looking at the piece of fat kong bak wedged between the traditional chinese man tou, an epiphany struck me, probably just like how Einstein came up with the E=mc² formula while having his fix of alphabet soup. With all the hype on fusion food, it's a crying shame that no one thought of smacking a piece of succulent kong bak between two hamburger buns. Imagine all the endless possibilities; Sichuan Kong Bak burger, Tom Yam Kong Bak burger, Cajun Kong Bak burger and the sure to be crowd favourite Kway Chup Kong Bak burger! Come on, I need to speak to a venture capitalist asap! 4 years ago, I passed my Basic theory test. 4 years later, my advanced theory license lapsed and I am still no way closer to that Class 3 license. At this rate, even Zoe Tay's kiddo (the one still in her womb) might get the Class 3 sooner than I do. At least, according to this T-shirt, I will be destined for great things! In my opinion, Michael Jackson, minus the whole bleached his skin, dangled the baby, getting touchy-feely with little boys side of him, is one of the greatest ever performer of our time. This pair of newly wed were probably huge enough fans, to stage a Thriller dance routine at the reception of their wedding. Wicked. Being the huge Wubai fan that I am, don't be surprised if this dance sequence appears at my wedding. Wait...I'm not doing my chances of getting hitched any good, am I? Combat global warming by watching Captain Planet! Happy Labour Day! May all expectant mothers have a smooth delivery! (Not so) Random Youtube video of the Day Wicked!
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 6:34 PM
Saturday, April 28, 2007
To Love Somebody Originally sung by Bee Gees Covered by Ray Lamontagne & Damien Rice Theres a light A certain kind of light That never shone on me I want my life to be lived with you Lived with you Theres a way everybody say To do each and every little thing But what does it bring If I aint got you, aint got ? You dont know what its like, baby You dont know what its like To love somebody To love somebody To love somebody The way I love you In my brain I see your face again I know my frame of mind You aint got to be so blind And Im blind, so very blind Im a man, cant you see What I am I live and breathe for you But what good does it do If I aint got you, aint got ?
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:28 AM
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
I'm so fucking looking forward to visit Vietnam. On a separate note, I donning a new pair of spectacles. Hope the reception will not be as bad as the previous pair I bought. Dum-dum-dum.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 9:53 PM
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Camera on a sushi conveyor belt. Nice. Too bad that the sushi chef didn't slice the camera into two with his ginsu knife. (First featured on Mari's blog.)
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 11:21 PM
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Wonder how many people will commit suicide if I consider a career switch to a counsellor. Live strong. Die young. What is yours, will be yours eventually. But at the rate things are going, it seems nothing will be yours. No matter what, life still goes on. Just with more shit than ever. There is a silver lining behind the dark clouds. But does it matters? You are not a meteorologist, are you? I'm sure things will turn out fine, in your next life. What doesn't kill you, maims you. Time heals everything, so just wait for that cure for HIV to come along. Just do it. Impossible is nothing. Er...Do you... Yahoo!?
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 11:14 PM
8:55am. Catch that 9am train, or I will be late for work. Arrived at a traffic junction but it has no pedestrian crossing. Oncoming traffic halted, for the buses to turn. Time is ripe for the jaywalking, till the lone Traffic Police throttled along. He looked at me, I avoided his glance. Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma. To jaywalk, or not to. The answer presented itself when the "No Jaywalking" sign creeps into my vision. What a perfect start to the day. Random Shoutout of the Day Sunday, the stage is all yours. You go girl.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:41 AM
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Colleague (C) : "Eh, you never go for lunch meh?"
A colleague, puzzled by my inconspicuous absence during lunchtime. tyw: "Yeah, I did. I went out for a quick chow on the grass." C: "What are you, a goat?" tyw: "Neh, a cow." C: "Why you want to be a cow, instead of a goat?" tyw: "I like getting my tits squeezed." I should talk less, and work more. Yea. (Not so) Random Picture of the Day  Moo.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 9:56 PM
Monday, April 16, 2007
"We can be anorexic together. This way, we can save a lot on food expenditure."
"Honey, you know what's the thing that I'm looking most forward to when we get married next time? Going home and enjoy a nice warm meal cooked by you, and watching you do the dishes after that. Isn't that wonderful?" "The most romantic thing is to grow fat together. This way, no one else will fancy us and we can have each other's company till we grow old and die." (Inspired by rs's msn nick from some time back) "You are like that scar on my arm. Ugly and yet always by my side. Thanks for everything." "Ni de neh neh heng da li" (Your boobs are very big) PS: This post is alternatively known as "The reasons why I can't get a girlfriend"
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 11:56 PM
According to Live Expectancy Calculator, I'm going to live to the ripe old age of 77. It is a relief to know that I'm not going to die from diarrhoea. At least not that soon yet...
Thanks friends for showing concern over my loss in appetite in recent days. I'm not comprising on my nutrition intake just to reduce weight. There three things that are certain in this world; deaths, taxes and tyw not being a anorexic. Don't worry, once I get my digestive problems sorted out, I'll be back eating like a glutton again....ROAR
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:02 AM
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Just when I thought I could delete LS (Lao Sai) Monday from my memory bank, Saturday came and I LS three times again. Grrrr...... I conclude that my digestive system closes shop at 9pm. What I had last night (some Korean BBQ beef and 3/4 bowl of Kimchee Rameyeon) was simply peanuts compared to what I used to wolfed down in the past. Pity how the mighty has fallen.
I don't know which is more amazing. The fact that I didn't rupture my anus or that I actually managed to aggravate an old knee injury due to the diarrhoea. What's the link between diarrhoea and knee injury? I don't know either. Maybe some aspiring scientists can use this for their research and credit LS Tham when they make their breakthrough. If my home weighing scale is accurate, the diarrhoea has wiped 4kgs from my hefty frame. Can you believe it, my sai zwee (literally translated to mean shit water) weighed 4kgs. What a load of shit....... At this rate, I shall rename this post to Random excretion instead.. Still on the topic of shit, I had this major HOLY SHIT moment this week when someone directed me to a particular website. The shock almost ranked right up there with the time when I first discover the sheer size of the horse's pecker. Really.... HOLY SHIT! Oh a separate note, scientists managed to link red meat to an increased probability in breast cancer. Now I'm worried about those shapely man-boobs (moobs) I'm having. Within a week, the three ladies in my team sported hairstyles like this. Since when did the watermelon hairstyle became chic again? (Not so) Random youtube video of the day Bang, bang, my baby shot me down.......... PS: To my friend, I'm sure everything will be fine on Tuesday.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:10 AM
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
From the front page of our nation's top selling (and only) English daily:
"With the change. the Prime Minister's annual salary will go up from $2.5 million to $3.1 million. This will place him at No.102 in the ranking of top income earners among Singaporeans, permanent residents and Malaysians working here, up from 164 currently. But it will still be lower than in 2000, when his salary ranked 63rd." (Not so) Random Youtube Video of the Day 半斤八两, 重惨过滚水渌猪肠
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 11:07 PM
Monday, April 09, 2007
I should have known better. After two consecutive days of feasting on curry chickens, it was naive of me to think that there will be no repercussions with my haphazard dining habits.
Well payback is a bitch and I succumbed to a rather serious bout of diarrhoea today. Within half a day, I lao sai'ed (had the runs) six times, which is even more than what I would in an unproductive week. I reckoned that if there were official documentations of my forays to the loo today, I could submit my "feat" to the Guinness World Record and be proclaimed as the World's Lao Sai King. Despite shitting three times before I headed for work, I was all gung ho and raring to head for work, believing that mind can triumph over body. Apparently, the anus falls outside the jurisdiction of the mind. Even after another three trips to the loo before lunchtime, I was still adamant that I stay the course of the day. However when I lost my appetite come lunchtime (tyw having no appetite!?), the trip to the doctor was inevitable. Given my previous run-ins with a real shitty doctor, my expectations of receiving good services from General Practitioners weren't particularly high. This doctor I saw was doing real fine, until he decided to spoil my "experience" by asking this question at the end of the consultation... Doc: "So do you wash or use toilet paper when you shit at home?" tyw: "Er..wash?" Doc: "Yes, washing is way better." For the record, I have lao sai'ed eight times (and still counting) today. A feat, which I hope will never be surpassed again. Random Picture of the Day  Er..think I pooped in my pants. (Picture courtesy of yc)
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 7:50 PM
Friday, April 06, 2007
97. something something.
Something to get used to when I tip the weighing scale. A drop of a kg in less than a week, and I didn't do particularly too much over the past few days, which got me slightly worried. Maybe it were just those humongous pieces of crap I excreted before hitting the gym. I guess losing close to 10kgs in 7 months does has an effect on my frame eh. Thanks for the compliments that some of you have passed. Hope it serves as a form of motivation towards breaching that 90kg barrier come end of 2007. My dream of changing from an obese rotund fat bastard to an obese fat bastard will be realized then. YAY! Random Picture of the Day  Do I make you horny?
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 11:09 PM
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Ah yes, nothing beats the satisfaction of finding the answer to a question that has been niggling at the back of my mind.
Hong Kong visitors to our little booger-like island are known to rave about the pandan cakes, Kaya and Hainanese Chicken Rice, and yet our famed Char Kway Teow (stir-fried rice noodle) is conspicuously missing from their food list. Yes, the same Char Kway Teow that Anthony Bourdain religiously savours whenever he steps foot on our island is snubbed by our Hong Kong friends. It's simply baffling. Being health conscious would be a probable explanation, if not for the fact that they have an even unhealthier diet than we do. (Anyone interested in some Beef Siew Mai, Chicken intestine noodles or Stewed beef tripes?) The notion that they do not like the taste and texture of Kway Teow doesn't hold either, as it is simply a variation of the Hor Fun and Chee Cheong Fun that they are so fond of. So why oh why then, our Hong Kong friends are so indifferent towards this dish of ours? If it wasn't for my colleague who let me in on the reason, I would probably bring this niggling little puzzle into my coffin. The answer is really simple, and it got to do with the fascinating and yet sometimes frustrating deviation of pronunciation between the Chinese language, and its various dialect subsets. The Chinese characters for Char Kway Teow is written as 炒粿条(Chao Guo Tiao in Hanyu Pinyin), which literally means stir fried rice strips. Char Kway Teo is the Hokkien pronunciation for the words, and widely accepted as the name of the dish. Even the local Cantonese would refer to it as Tzao Kwai Diu, with the words Kwai Diu loosely modeled after the phonics of the Hokkien pronunciation. However to the Hong Kong chaps who have no inkling on the colloquial pronunciation to the words 炒粿条, they simply pronounce the words at it appears to them which ultimately causes their less than favorable perception towards the dish. As it appears, 炒粿条 is pronounced as Tzao Gor Tiu in proper Cantonese. And with such uncanny coincidence, Gor Tiu shares the same pronunciation as a Cantonese euphemism ("that piece") for penis. So unless the delicacy of stir-fried penises whets your appetite, I can fully empathize the indifference displayed by our Hong Kong friends towards the plate of Char Kway Teow. Edit: Maybe the Hong Kong fellas do enjoy eating penises after all. (Not so) Random Picture of the Day  Stir - Fried Penises with extra lards. Nice.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 10:35 PM
Sunday, April 01, 2007
"我宁愿被火烧死,也不要被雷劈死" "I rather get burnt alive, then to risk getting strike by lightning" A colleague, showing his displeasure with my company's surprise fire drill, in which the evacuated were to assembled under an overcast sky. Spoken like a true man.
Random Picture of the Day  John Doe, applying some facial lotion while waiting for his turn to be burned alive
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 9:24 PM
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