sing when you're wanking
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Tuesday, March 29, 2005
There used to be this old song that goes like this... "You can hurry love, you just have to wait. Cause love dont comes easy" After seeing many of my guy friends hurt in this game, i offering my take on how to tackle this tricky issue. 1) Don't be a bastard No matter how much you like a gal, don't ever ever ever be a third party and try to snatch the gal from his boyfriend. Even if the gal tells you her relationship is on the rocks, dont go chasing after that gal. I know there are no rights and wrongs in love, but unless you are a maschoist, i advise you not to take that path. 2) Don't chase a gal who's just broken up You had bide your time, waited for your dream gal to break up with her boyfriend. Now what do you do? If you answered chase her, then you are dead wrong. My advice to you is to further bide your time. Encourage her, console her,let her a shoulder to cry on, but dont go express your feelings for her. This is the period of time whereby the gal is still struggling to forget her former boyfriend.Your confession will only throw her into further turmoil. Even if she accepts you, she might still be struggling inside to forget her ex. Chances are,you might be taken as a substitute for her ex boyfriend. Patience is a virtue. Let her get over her previous relationship on her own. If she decides to go back to her ex, wish her well. 3) Never fall for the same gal as your good friend Do that if you want to shorten your lifespan. It's a lose-lose-lose situation.
Well,if you abide by the three principles i stated, that leaves you with only a fraction of the female population for you to go after. This brings us another set of problems, the bane of singlehood and solitude. DOH!
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:07 AM
Saturday, March 26, 2005
My brother heard this joke way back during his army daze. Below is the paraphrase version by yours truely. One fine day, an alien spacecraft was hovering above a lake when they saw two fellas kayaking. Intrigued by their new discoveries, the aliens decided to carry out some experiment, Futurama Style. "Row, row, row your boat...." The humans were singing at the top of their voice as they were neogotiating the meandering lake. The aliens were thinking, "Hmmm.... What if we zap a quarter of their intelligence?" So they promptly took out their nifty tools and zap the humans' brains. Surprisely, the humans were now singing at a slighlty slower pace, with a slight slur in their pronounciation. "Roe... roe... roe... lure boar...." Amazed by what they just seen and heard, the aliens decided to zap away half of the humans' intelligence this time round. "ZEEEEEE!!!!" After a moment of silence, the humans began to sing again. This time round, their rendition of the song were extremely slow, with some weird pronounciations. "Loo.......Loo.......Loo......yong......bow......." The aliens were now getting extremely excited toying with their test specimen. They decided to zap their subjects one final time. This time round, they decided to remove all their intelligence and observe the results. After an intensified zap from their test probe, the aliens waited with bated breathe for the results of their experiment. A minute of silence later, they heard the humans singing... "Dayung sampang, dayung, dayung sampang......." Before i proceed any further, i would like to state that by no means i support or condone any form of racism or bigotry, though i occasionally crack some racist jokes. Also as a multicultural society, i shouldn't spare our Malay counterparts from some ribbing since i took a dig at the Chinese and Indians last time round. To be fair mah!
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 11:15 PM
For most university guys of my age, yr2005 means you have to relive the sad memories of yr2003. No i'm not talking about SARS(god bless the souls of those affected), but the nightmare of being invited to countless of friends' 21st birthday celebrations. Not that the parties are nightmarish, but the thought of spending $$ and choosing the right gifts gives me the creeps. While most lazy bums like me tend to choose the easy way out(that is tasking someone to buy the present and splitting the cost), there are bound to be times where you have to buy your own present. Choosing the correct present is tough, but choosing the correct present for the fairer sex is 10 times tougher! Yours truely barely survived one such shopping trip last friday and lives to impart the knowledge to those facing similar plight. Step 1:Beg someone to allow you to share the present. Beg and kneel if you have to, to convince others to let you share the present. If that fails, go on to rant about how cost efficient it would be to share the present. Bring in theories like economy of scales to confuse your friends and hope they would accept your reason out of guilt for not paying attention during economics classes. For that still fails, move on to the next step. Step 2: Get a female friend to tag along Once again, beg and kneel if you have to. Alternatively, you can use money to aid your cause. Once you get your female companion, you can act like a disinteresed boyfriend/hubby that looked like he was being forced to accompany the girlfriend/wifey on a shopping trip. Let your female companion do the shopping while you continue your disinterested act. Once your female companion found the gift, dragged yourself to the counter and whip out your wallet in disgrunt to complete the disinterested boyfriend/hubby act. However if you are like me, whereby no female friends would want to help you out, move to step 3. Step 3: Masquerade Wear a cap, mask ,helmet or whatever you can to hide your face. Avoid eye contact with everyone. Stare at the floor or ceiling if necessary. Approach the cutest,friendliest salesgal you can find and seek for her help. Remember to avoid all eye contact. Pay for the gift and make a beeline for the exit as soon as possible. Run if you have to.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 4:22 PM
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Words of wisdom " Ai hum mai hiam, ai hiam mai hum " In case you are wondering, it means: "If you are passive, dont be picky. If you are picky, dont be passive." And no, it's not used when you ordering char kway teo. "Auntie huh, wa ai hum mai hiam" or "Auntie huh, wa ai hiam mai hum." Which means: " Lady boss, i want cockles but no chilli please." or "Lady boss, i want chilli but no cockles please."
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 10:34 PM
Monday, March 21, 2005
made the single most mofo mind blowing discovery since slice bread. Through miss yyy's site, i discovered you all can actually see chinese words by switching to unicode, under view-encoding. Without further ado, 我的乌龟叫做无敌大笨象
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 5:51 PM
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Date:19th March Time: 1815 Location: Onboard an eastbound train Just received news from James Dingo Groan that i wasn't selected for attachment after phase 2 of jobs allocation. Sort of expected it given my perennial suayness, but still felt a tinge of sadness. When the train pulled up at the Outram MRT, i just felt this urge to get off the train and get abit of fresh air. At this point of time, i remembered that most of the toys shops at Clarke Quay relocated to a building along Cross St, a place near Chinatown MRT. Time: 1830 Location: Far East Square Alas, found this ulu place tuck between Raffles MRT and Chinatown MRT. Nice, tranquil little building where close to 10 of Clarke Quay alumni set up shops here. Some window shopping later, i got to see some rare toys like the thousand plus dollars Mazinger figure. Left with a sense of satisfaction even though can't find any rare One Piece toys. Time:1845 Location: Entrance of Far East Square Ok, what should i do after toys watching?Should i turn left to go to Raffles Place, and make myself more depressed when i imagine myself not being able to work there in the summer? Or turn right to Chinatown, the place for gastronomic pleasures? The answer couldn't be more obvious. Time: 1850 Location: In front of Indian Temple Saw a bunch of Indian tourists crowding at the entrance of this famous Indian Temple, taking snapshots of each other. This reminded me that it's high time i utilise my camera phone more, other than fantasizing taking pictures of chio bus or zao geng shots with it. Nice picture,with a orange hue illuminating the back of the temple. Wondered where the Indian tourists had gone to though, perhaps they blended into the shadows?  Time: 1855 Location: Smith Street Took a stroll along Smith Street, pausing to gawk at some unique stuffs that they sell at the pasar malam kind of stalls. One stall sells painted mask, those kind you see in Chinese Opera. I immediately felt in love with this Sun Wukong mask which i wanted to buy. However, Mr Rationality trounced Miss Impulse's ass for once. Time:1905 Location:Smith Street The grumbling of my stomach meant that it's time for dinner. So should i head to the hawker centre for a meal of claypot rice? Or should i eat the char kway teo over there? My dilemma was resolved when i saw this eatery selling Pig Organ Soup.  Time:1910 Location: Pig Organ Soup Eatery While tucking into my bowl of Pig Organ Soup, the sign below caught my eye. Evidence of Master Wong's visit to Singapore?  Time: 1915 Location: Smith Street Still felt a wee bit of hunger after the meal. Decided to head down to this German Sausage stall that was featured in Sunday Life before. Funny to hear the German chap trying to pronounce his lahs and ahs to sounds more Singaporean. For the record, i bought a cheese sausage for $3.50. Yummy.   Time: 1920 Location: Street opposite Yangtze Cinema Decided to head towards Outram Park and catch a train to Bugis, to visit the Kwan Yin Temple and scout for Toys at Latendo. On my snail paced like stroll towards the Outram Mrt, i spotted the infamous Yangtze billboard. For the uninitiated, Yangtze cinema is a favourite haunt for the Tiko Pehs due to its dedication in bringing artistic films from all over the world. The below picture was intentionally blurred to protect your sanitary eyes. Neh, just thought it would be a good excuse to mask my lousy photography skills.  Time: 1930 Location: East Bound Mrt Bumped into the ever beautiful and gorgeous Ruishan(the beautiful and gorgeous bit was a lie,but i finally mentioned your name on my blog k!) and her boyfriend on the east bound train. Had a chat before she informed me that Kwan Yin Temple closes at 5pm daily. DOH! Time: 1945 Location: Bugis Street Decided to head straight down to Latendo since Kwan Yin Temple was closed for the day. On my way to Latendo, i spotted this sign, which Ric occasionally used for his MSN pic.  Time: 2000 Location: Bencoolen Square Remembered that there is a Korean grocery shop in Bencoolen Square, so decided to head there for a quick look. Nice little shop selling a whole slew of Korean snacks, cup noodles, can drinks and even Kim Chi(below) ! In the end, i bought 1 cup noodle, 1 pack of instant noodle and 1 box of cookies. If you are reading this MrX, dont buy me food if you intend to bring back gifts for us. I want my Korean Porn!  Time: 2015 Location: Sunshine Plaza Finally reached my destination. Seemed like more toys shops sprouted in this little building. 2 Toys modelling shop, 3 toys shops, 1 HK Manga shop, 1 anime/manga/collectible shop. This place is becoming a haven for Otakus! Spent around 45 mins browsing at toys before calling it a day and head home to catch my TVB drama serial.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 10:56 PM
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 10:46 AM
Saturday, March 19, 2005
It's official, life size teddy bears are no longer in vogue. Faced with a non- existence demand from the female population, the future of life size teddy bears were dealt another crucial blow when efforts to promote the teddy bear to corporations in the finance sector failed miserably. After two phase of talks, no finance companies has offered any hints of interest in this particularly cute series of bears. Analysts are predicting that the bears are likely to end up in small marketing firms as paper weights.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:55 AM
Friday, March 18, 2005
Well after close to a week of speculation, i finally come up with a name for my cute, and much loved tortise. My dear PNT will be named.... Wu Di Da Ben Xiang, as in The Invincible Elephant in English. Dont ask me why, i just like the name. Maybe you can sense the irony in the name since my tortise isn't wu di at all, always get bullied by the fishes.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:49 AM
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Unlike the scenic pictures that you find over at Mr X or Zhixun's blogs, or the arty farty snapshots over at fruiit.net, the pictures that i post here are likely to photos depicting a particular idiot doing idiotic things at idiotic timing.  Should i attach this photo in my application form to join the Workers Party?
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 11:51 PM
Monday, March 14, 2005
 My family has been rearing the chap above for close to 3 years. So far we been calling this chap wu gui.(tortise in cantonese) I am thinking of getting a less generic name for it, hence the competition. More information This kind of species is known as Pointed Nose Tortise(PNT). What's interesting is that PNT can't retract their head back into their shell as there isnt any capvity for them to do so. And this chap likes to suspend itself in the water, creating a similar effect like the famous Mission Impossible scene. Prizes If you are expecting a trip around the world or a Lamborgini, please close the browser now. The winner will get a mention on my humble blog, meaning your name will be seen by the odd pathetic soul who stumbled onto my site hoping to find naked Lin Chiling pics. So don't hestitate, submit your entries either through the tagboard or post a comment.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 5:42 PM
We are winning games 1-0!! Boring boring Newcastle!!! Who cares! We are going to the Millenium Stadium!!Woohoo!!! If Newcastle win either the FA Cup or the UEFA Cup this season, i will shave my head bald for the coming semester. You read it here first. Come ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 2:03 AM
Sunday, March 13, 2005
One major downside of having theyodellingwanker.blogspot.com as an url, is people tend to associate the site as porn.
I can picture the glee on the face of those who stumbled onto my site when they googled " Lin Chiling Breast". When they saw my url on the search results, they must be thinking : " Wah ho seh liao lah, the website name so porno sounding liao, inside sure have alot of naked Lin Chiling pics. Sibei swee,must be a ter gong porno website." Well, sorry to disappoint you guys. All you get on this site are some innate rants by a fat guy hiding behind his keyboard. I can still offer you some information to satisfy your sexual desires though. Do you know that a pig can ejaculate up to 200 to 500ml worth of semen everytime, compared to the feeble 2 to 3ml we managed to squeeze out each time? No wonder some people eagerly sought the pig penis for aphrodisiac reasons.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 10:40 AM
Saturday, March 12, 2005
On my stroll towards the Tampines MRT last Thursday, i was surprised to hear such rapturous cheering coming from the Tampines Stadium at such an early time. It was like 845am, surely the S League didnt bring forward the Tampines Rover's match to tap into the early morning jogging crowd,right? On closer inspection, the carnival mood was actually generated by this Primary School's sports meet. The future generation,(generation Z? i already lost count) were bursting their lungs chanting the usual "Ole ke mak mak ole yada yada yada..." with gusto. However as i strained my ears, i could hear strains of Michael Jackson's Billy Jean being played in the stadium. "Billy Jean is not my lover She's just a girl who Claims that I am the one But the kid is not my son She says that I am the one But the kid is not my son " Herm.. given Mr Jackson's past history of dangling his children on the balcony and the ongoing lawsuit regarding his pedophiliac ways, it's definitely not the kind of music you want your children to listen to eh.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 5:46 PM
Teddy Bear up for adoption, at 10 bucks per month, definitely worth a try. However, the bear comes with numerous defects.
If you are still reading by now, this shows that you have a tinge of interest in adopting this bear. So let me convince you why you should adopt this teddy bear.
As you can see, it's pretty hard to exalt tthe good points when there are so few of them. That being said, i'm sure the kind hearted people out there don't want to see such a nice bear being companionless. HAVE A HEART,ADOPT HIM!
(ps. only females need to apply)
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:21 AM
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Today i'm going to muse on two issues pertinent to the survival of our small country. Casino and procreation. Casino The furore over the establishment of a casino in Singapore has been raging on for months. As time goes by, it begins to dwell on us that the government had already made up their mind on setting up the casino. All this thing about consulting the citizen are just for show, to tell the world we are a democratic nation, we respect the opinions of our citizen. Dear Singaporeans, it's time to wake up from your dreams that we are governed by a democratic government. Let just be apathetic and let the government decides what's best for us. On a sadder note, it was revealed by the Chinese tabloids that gambling debts drove the 40 years old man to kill his family and finally took the plunge to death. God bless their souls and i assume this will provide more ammunition for the anti casino folks to rebuff the government insistence on the casion issue. Procreation the government has been dangling carrots for the childless couples to have more babies but to no avail. the last time i heard,our birth rate are still falling faster than the speed of bird poo. once upon a time, this sage by the name of chicken papa enlightened me on why the birth rate are falling, which i attempts to paraphrase below: " Look at India, they have no entertainment at night. Everynight they go home, see their other half and just make love. Making love is their only source of entertainment." ah..the problem lies with the multilude of entertainment available to us. as the Strait Times aptly highlighted, the proliferation of 24 hrs entertainment has reduced the amount of sleeping time we have. what they fail to point out is that the time we have for merry making is suffering as well. so as a former budding economist, i propose to the government to set up two days a month whereby all shopping centres,entertainment centres, tv station,radio stations and blah blah shut down their operations. this leaves the couples with no other source of entertainment except to hump each other silly. viola, problem solved.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:35 AM
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Neh,not talking about that war flicks where limbs are flying aplenty. Instead i'm going to touch on the latest fashion craze, the wrist bands. Read this interesting article in the Life today by Pradeep Paul,(too bad ST Online has gone the way of the mecenary, so no links for you all) openly pondered how many of those band wearers actually know the cause those bands are supporting. For the ignorant, Yellow- Livestrong band in support of Armstrong Cancer Foundation Black n white interlocked- anti racism Sky Blue- cultivate peace and fight global hunger Green- Save the earth Pink- Breast cancer awareness Lilac- tsunami relief Royal Blue- anti abortion He went on raving about how many of those yellow band wearers do not even know who the hell Lance Armstrong was. While applauding the innovative way to raise funds for their causes, he panned those who don this bands as a form of fashion statements without empathizing with those causes promoted by the bands. A google search by Mr Paul threw up websites that could manufacture silicon bands carrying messages, ala those Livestrong bands worn by the masses. It cost a mere US$ 0.13 if you order in bulk excess of 25,000. With the proliferation of these bands, i too should start manufacturing my own range of bands. Light pink bands supporting the reinstation of pig lungs and blood cubes back into our kway chup. Anyone game for it?
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:30 AM
Monday, March 07, 2005
Richard claimed that his modesty was outraged while on his way back to school. Apparently the offender is a well endowed gorgeous lass, who hugged him tightly from behind. Well, i do not condone this kind of sick behaviour especially in public places like the MRT. If,somehow by a strange twist of fate, you are reading this, i dare you to pick on someone who aint a pushover. Someone like me. I'll be in my usual T-shirt and berms attire,waiting for you at the first carriage of the train at approximately 830am.I dare you to do what you did to Richard, on me again. Please..
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:02 AM
Sunday, March 06, 2005
 Woohoo, i'm now officially a comic strip character! Take that Garfield, Dilbert, Bucky, Sherman and co. Franken-Tham is the new comic idol! Visit lzw.blogspot.com for the brilliant Paint-it-Black comic series drawn using nothing except a mouse by mr.lzw. The time spent on MS Paint,while trying to act busy during your NSF days, is finally paying off for mr.lzw.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 1:12 AM
Friday, March 04, 2005
1. Forlonly in love Just a general observation.. if a guy get rejected by a gal, should he a) forget about it and move on with life b) be despondent and wallow in self pity c) be depsondent and hopes the gal accepts you out of sympathy d) take it in your stride and hope your sincerity will moves her heart one day Well most people at this point of time will definitely say that they would surely avoid option c). But once you are entangled in this intricate web known as love, you will lose all rationality. Just hope that the entangled will free themselves soon and regain some sense of rationality and move on with life. 2. Sicko Jacko first we call him freako jacko for his obession with comestic surgeries with ultimately culumated with a chunk of his nose falling off. next we bestowed him the title of weirdo jacko after unveiling his baby to the expectant worldwide press by dangling him from the hotel balcony. now mr jackson is implicated in yet another child molestation case. This time round, he was accussed of fondling a former cancer patient's genitals while forcing him to surf pornographic website with him. all these reports just make me wonder, were we fueling his sick desires through buying his albums while he was still king of the pops? 3. I'm gay because i have short index fingers Thanks Yousheng for highlighting this interesting article to me. apparently our sexual orientation can be determined by looking at the length of our fingers. the term "Finger licking good" will never be the same again. 4. Foot Balls Jose Antiono Reyes is truly an unlucky chap. First he was kicked to pieces by the thugs of Man Utd in the match which eventually ended Arsenal's unbeaten run. Next he was labelled a gypsy by his national coach, Luis Aragones. Just last month, he was conned into believing that he was speaking to Real Madrid's sporting director and admited how he felt left out at Arsenal and wanted to join Real. Little did we know that he was "sexually violated" when he was still at Sevilla. Rough treatment on Jose Antonio Reyes at Old Trafford was the catalyst for our previous entry but this incident, back in his Sevilla days, saw the young man positively violated - this time by a team-mate.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 10:33 PM
1. Overheard on the train It's rare to hear an Indian cracks colored jokes, more so when he's cracking one about his own race. Props to his sense of self depreciating humor What do you see when a Chinese man get runs over by a car? Double yellow line Why can't Indians be linesmen in a football match? They will set up mama shops whenever there's a corner awarded 2. Give me back my money,bloody ESPN It's a travesty that ESPN Starsports are showing Manure vs C. Palace and Arsenal vs Portsmouth instead of the glamourous fixture pitting Newcastle against Liverpool. I mean who cares about football clubs that are fighting for 2nd places against some cannon fodder teams like the Eagles and Pompeys? Come on, we are more interested in the battle of the two most supported club in England. To me, this is the biggest boo boo ESPN can bloody make. Shame on you. 3. I "appeared" on TV Fans of San Guo Yan Yi, aka Romance of the Three Kingdoms to the kan tangs, might notice this canny resemblence between yours truely and Ah Dou. Equally fat and klutz like, the only obvious difference is of course that yours truely possess more grey matters than him. On a separate note, Mr James Dingo Groan offered this interesting quip on Ah Dou: " He's not stupid, he's just suffering from Down Syndrome"
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 1:24 AM
Thursday, March 03, 2005
I dedicate this post to Mabelline Low, the gal who gave me this lame yet endearing nick Becos. Happy 21st Birthday and hope you bring warmth and laughter to the people around you!
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 12:00 AM
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Over lunch yesterday, i was reminded of one of the saddest day of my life which still has serious ramifications in my life..... I can still vividly recall what happened on that fateful night. It happened during my first three months in TPJC. That fateful night, my 1st three months classmates and I had a enjoyable outing cum barbeque session at the Pasir Ris park. We had a great time feasting on the sumptuous spread of food, cracking jokes with each other. However the end was nigh and we had to bade farewells to each other. That night was eerily calm, with strong gusts of wind breaking the silence with its blood thirsty howl. As the night was creeping towards its last hours, my classmate's parents offered me a ride home. On the journey home, my sights fixated on the orange hue lighted streets. The streets were uncharacteristically quiet. There were nary any movement except a few taxis driving by. My mind was occupied on the probable explainations for the deserted streets, when i heard this being broadcast over the radio.... "Due to the Nipah outbreak in Malaysia, the Singapore authority has decided to ban all form of pork imports from Malaysia till further notice......" I was close to tears, visualising the next few months without my daily intake of the four legged swine. Although the situation wasn't as bad as i initially feared due to pork flying all over from Austrialia(aptly named AirPork), the incident still had serious ramifications in the latter part of my life. Cue 28/02/05 12 45 pm, over a lunch of kway chup(stewed pig innards), i was cursing and swearing over the absence of pig livers, pig blood in my lunch.
posted by Stormtrooper's Lackey at 6:48 PM
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